Bullseye

Any dreams of funding my eventual retirement through a career as a professional axe thrower have been dashed into splinters.

The harsh reality struck home Sunday afternoon when my family decided to try out axe throwing at The Grey Dog in downtown Medford. I have been aware of the sport for some time. Friends in more urban areas would share social media photos of themselves seemingly having a good time hurling tools at wooden targets and my daughter, Beth, has gone axe throwing several times with coworkers from Girl Scout camp.

Like any good Scouting parent, I had also watched my share of hatchet throwing demonstrations over the years. These were invariably followed by even more extensive discussions at campsites about why we shouldn’t use the camping hatchet for anything but chopping wood.

Since The Grey Dog opened a few weeks ago, we have been meaning to stop and try it out as a potential family activity. With Sunday’s sloppy Spring weather, it was a perfect chance to try it.

For those unfamiliar with axe throwing, picture darts but heavier and more capable of inflicting permanent damage if used improperly. The basic concept of the game is to take turns hurling the 2.2 pound axe at a target board located about 15 feet away at the end of what looks a lot like a horse stall.

The side walls are for protection when you improperly throw the axe and it ricochets around. If thrown properly, the axe will stick in the board and in the basic game you get points depending on how close you are to the bullseye center. As with darts, there are more advanced games, which are far beyond my skill level.

Like being at a shooting or archery range, there are strict guidelines about when it is appropriate to step over the line from the throwing box and into the target area.

My wife, Kim, attempted to avoid taking part in the throwing claiming that she “would not be any good at it.” Instead, she said she would just watch us have fun. With a little bit of coaxing she agreed to at least try it and then proceeded to completely blow us all out of the water with multiple bullseye shots.

My daughter noted to me that it was a lot like how her mother refused to play the strategy board game Risk with the rest of us and that when we eventually got her to agree to play, she very methodically wiped us from the playing board.

As for my part, I am much better at getting the blunt end of the axe to hit the target board than I am at actually scoring any points. So if the goal was to just annoy the rampaging horror-movie killer monster coming at you rather than take it down, I would be the person for the job, otherwise I would suggest handing the axe to my wife to get the job done.

As with anything, I am sure if I put in many hours of concerted effort, I could probably improve to the point of scoring in the double digits consistently. However, that seems like a tremendous amount of work for the bragging rights of murdering boards, but then again winning is a lot more fun than losing horribly.

Most of us have spent far too much time sitting on our couches in recent years. While I am as fond of my recliner and the joy of napping on a lazy weekend afternoon as anyone, it is good to get up and get the blood flowing. Well, in a proverbial sense anyway, a trip to the ER is a sure fire way to ruin any outing.

I am willing to embrace my mediocrity when it comes to hurling logging tools at innocent boards, because for me the point is to spend time with my family and friends and get out of the house.

Brian Wilson is News Editor at The Star News.