This ain’t the first time that mankind’s been sick

In a desperate attempt to remain 'essential' so I don't have to become the 18 millionth person in the last 45 minutes to file for unemployment, this week I will provide some perspective on this global coronavirus pandemic so that you, my still-hopefully-breathing readers, will say either, 'Wow, I never knew that before,' or 'What was this guy huffing before he wrote this?' Either way, if anyone from the Department of Workforce Development calls and asks about me, just say you depend on what I write here to get you through another day. I'll straighten out with you later.

This week we're gonna take a gander back in time at past pandemics, 'cuz, what could be more fun, am I right? This viral vortex we're stuck in now may seem like the worst thing that has beset mankind since coconut-flavored water (I mean, why not just put asbestos in it?) but in truth the human population has been decimated multiple times over the centuries by plague and pestilence, and I'm not even talking about toenail fungus. A planetary pandemic, perhaps not, but I haven't seen you in open-toed sandals lately, either. Just sayin.' No one alive today is old enough to remember the last severe pandemic, which was the so-called Spanish Flu of 1918-20. An estimated 500 million people caught that bug, and as many as 20 percent of them perished. Despite its name, the Spanish Flu did not originate in Spain, but picked up that tag because that country did not have tight information controls in place during the latter part of World War I and the first real reports originated there. I'd make some sort of snarky comment about that, but I can't think of one. Humph. Maybe pandemics are not such rich sources of humor, after all. Who woulda thunk?

OK, well, let's mine back a bit farther on the timeline of human existence, as far back as 1770-72, when the dreaded Russian Plague likely killed about 100,000 men and women from Moscow to Minsk. This pandemic has a timely lesson for those of us alive today who were not allowed to gather for Easter worship. It seems that one Archbishop Ambrosius, who encouraged the masses not to gather for worship during the Russian Plague, was murdered by a riotous populace angered by drastic quarantine measures, and perhaps poor 4G network reception in the outlying areas of Siberia, I'm not sure. Needless to say, the mad mob did not practice proper social distancing when it made its complaints known to poor ol' Ambrosius. Doubt it washed its hands for 20 seconds afterward, either.

The Russian plague occurred during the reign of Catherine the Great. History books say she struggled to maintain order both during and after the pandemic, and was eventually taken down by an insurrection, after which she became known as Catherine the Not All That Spectacular. Funny how quickly your loyal subjects will turn on ya, ain't it?

Perhaps the most infamous pandemic in history is the Black Plague that infested Asia and Europe between 1346-1353. This dreaded disease is known to have been spread by fleas on sickened rodents, such as rats. This, too, has implications for us today, as 'rats', not coincidentally, I suspect, became the last four letters of 'Democrats.'

Hey now, don't holler at me, I just calls 'em as I sees 'em.

The Black Death is though to have wiped out anywhere from one-third to one-half of Europe's total population, and there were multiple recurrent outbreaks of the disease carrying well into the 17th Century. The disease was actually a bacterial bubonic plague defined by high fever, headaches and vomiting, as well as swollen lymph nodes nearest the location where a victim was bitten by an infected flea.

Although the 14th Century planet was far less interconnected than is today's shrinking earth, the Black Plague first reached Europe's shores in 1347 when 12 ships from the Black Sea arrived at a Sicilian port. Crowds that were gathered at the docks to welcome the ships 'were met with a horrifying surprise: Most sailors aboard the ships were dead and those still alive were gravely ill and covered in black boils ...' (Note: The quotation marks around that last phrase indicate that I plagiarized it from another source without giving proper credit. Just thought you should know.) Interestingly -- or not, it's a subjective thing -- the Black Death was not so-named due to any particular color-related symptom of the disease, but probably because of mis-translation of the Latin term 'atra mors' which was then used to describe things both 'terrible' and 'black.' In any regard, you gotta admit that 'The Mauve Death' or even 'The Saffron Death' would not seem so sinister in hindsight.

In another example of a long-ago pandemic that foretold of our current plight of disease carried round the globe by travelers, in the mid 1500s some 15 million humans living in what is now Mexico and Central America died of a viral hemorrhagic fever brought to their region by European explorers. The so-called Cocoliztle Epidemic may have led to the eventual ruin of the Aztec civilization, and indeed, 'cocolitzli' was the Aztec word for 'pest,' which has since morphed into 'tourist from Illinois.' Yeah, no, really, there's no way you could have known that.

Traveling back ever further in history, we learn that the Byzantine Empire was decimated by bubonic plague in 541-542, a time during which 10 percent of the entire human population may have succumbed to the disease. While most pandemics throughout time have been named for their location (i.e., Russian Plague) or source (Black Death) this one is recalled as the Plague of Justinian because it occurred during the Emperor Justinian's 38-year reign. Justinian himself was said to have contracted the disease, but survived, and eventually built a legacy of promoting art, literature and great architectural feats. To accomplish so much yet have your name linked in history with a pandemic, well, in short, that's gotta suck.

Well, that about wraps up our little pandemic parade. I will leave you with this one final thought, and that is that the letters of the word 'pandemics' can be rearranged to spell 'damn spice.'

Well, no, that means nothing, but I spent about 20 minutes figuring it out so there's no way I wasn't gonna use it someplace.