Toilet paper alternative: drip-dry

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Anyone know any home remedies to unclog a toilet? Unfortunately, this is not a rhetorical question, nor am I asking for a friend.

At some point in our lives, we have to contend with a plugged toilet at one time or another. I don’t ask for much in life, but a toilet that flushes successfully every time, is definitely at the top of my wish list.

I recently had issues with a merciless clog. It was at the beginning of the year. The water flow was unmovable for three days. THREE DAYS, PEOPLE!

I hadn’t done anything different than I normally do, but a body would swear I tried to cram a wildebeest down the small opening. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, because I feel they’re unrealistic and just made to be broken. I did, however, resolve to try to cut down on my swear words. Well, the toilet dilemma shot those good intentions all to heck in short order.

I first tried using a plunger. I attacked it with a vengeance to no avail. My daughter, Hannah, was home at the time, so we tag-team plunged. I would plunge for a time, then Han would spell me and we’d switch again.

I remembered growing up, that boiling water had proved effective, so I immediately started that regime. I was a bit apprehensive using that technique, as I worried if the water was too hot, it may crack the porcelain.

We got it to the point where the water in the bowl would slowly trickle down. I still baled more “poo” water than anyone in sanitation has ever seen, or handled. Not a fan, obviously.

I also used the tried and true method of pouring baking soda in the toilet bowl, then pouring in vinegar. Word of caution there: be prepared to jump back and sprint to dry ground as the reaction time varies. The solution will either merely foam or resemble a volcano, sporadically and chaotically spewing fecal matter everywhere.

We also tried using a drain snake, sure that method would succeed where other methods had failed. It was cranked to its 10-foot length. Nothing.

I googled home remedies to unclog a toilet, and some suggestions had me raising an eyebrow or laughing out loud.

One solution mentioned pouring liquid dish soap into the bowl and pouring boiling water from waist-level height. I assume the theory is the dish soap would assist the waste to slither down? No luck there. (Though it smelled nice after that application.) A wet/dry vacuum method was mentioned. I’m not gonna lie, I was supremely thankful I don’t own one…that sounded absolutely revolting.

Then I found a recipe for an Epson salt toilet bomb. Anything with the word “bomb” in it concerns me. I was definitely leery of trying that. The recipe called for two cups of baking soda, 1/4 cup Epson salt, and eight to nine tablespoons of liquid dish soap. Press the mixture into siliconelined muffin tins. Dry overnight.

Drop into the toilet bowl and let sit for a few hours before flushing. I didn’t own the full riot gear I felt was necessary to attempt that one.

Another idea was using an empty plastic bottle to create water pressure. As it requires fully immersing your hands directly in the bowl to suction out the wastewater, it recommended wearing latex gloves. Ya think? I would have worn a full biohazard suit.

The entire time I wore old tennis shoes, knowing that no matter how gingerly one plunges, massive tidal waves of contaminated water can, and will, splash over onto said adorned feet.

During this entire fiasco, I tried to enforce the no toilet paper rule and introduce the drip-dry method. Han was not impressed and it never took hold, but I figured it was worth a try.

To make matters worse, the day the toilet became clogged I had just made a huge pot of chili…with beans. Three cans. Bad choice.

Han finally made a trip to the store and bought Drano Build-Up Remover. I was going to pour the entire jug into the toilet, but fortunately, Han stopped me because SHE read the instructions: It said to pour in the specified recommended amount and let sit for eight hours. It was worth it.

I still send up a prayer of thanks to the toilet Gods every time anyone flushes and breathe a sigh of relief at the successful conclusion.

To all who are hoarding toilet paper during this time, a gentle reminder: use sparingly. Just saying. Everyone stay safe! And flush if you’re able.