THE BORN LESAR
I was hoping I wouldn't like it, but I'm afraid I do
Hi, my name is Dean, and I am a gambling addict. There, I said it.
Well, OK, maybe 'addict' is too strong of a word given that I just visited a casino for the first time ever over the weekend. But, as Cookie Monster once said after taking his first bite out of a snickerdoodle, 'Me like it.' And then all he wanted was more.
I always took it as a point of pride in life that I am 59 years old and had never gambled except for maybe a low stakes game of bar dice or a square on a $10 Super Bowl pool. Casinos I avoided, because I have heard stories within my family that a few recent ancestors had addiction issues, so I just thought,' Why chance it?' The same goes for cliff diving. You know, try it once, and what if I get hooked? Considering that I can't swim a stroke, plunging off a 100-foot rockface into a 200-foot-deep lake probably ain't something I outta' find I enjoy.
For reasons I won't explain (my psychotherapist says I say that way too often), I broke my long-held anti-gambling vow over the weekend. It happened Up Nort', at the Sevenwinds Casino near Hayward, and I think the fact that the area was hit by a late-winter icestorm at the same time I was inserting my first $20 bill into a penny-machine slot is sorta' symbolic. I mean, this was a somewhat momentous occasion in my life, kinda' like a 'when hell freezes over' occasion, and, you know, why not have a few trees topple over on power lines to mark it?
You're right. I am overdramatic sometimes. Anyway, I have walked through a casino a time or two over the years, but was never tempted to indulge. On this trip, gambling was the point, so as I strolled among the hundreds of video machines, craps tables, black jack tables and roulette wheels to pick something to play, I was astounded by the sheer number of opportunities to spend cash. As a novice, every machine looked the same to me, and I was told by someone with far more experience at this than me to just walk around until I found something that sorta' 'spoke to me.' That turned out to be a waitress who asked me if I needed a drink.
'How about 12?' I asked. I followed my friend around for a while and watched over her shoulder as she tried a few machines. I figured I had better learn a little before venturing out on my own. It's never good in a casino, I surmised, to stand out as a rookie, and having to ask an old guy next to you, 'Sir, like, where do you put the money in?' is probably a dead give-away.
From watching for a while I took in a little info on major and minor jackpots, bonuses, free spins, credits and the value of choosing a machine near a restroom. Twelve drinks, as it turns out, is a lot. I tentatively inserted my first $20 bill into a machine that looked less intimidating than the rest, watched as the electronic displays hummed and whirred, than reached for the 'Play' button that would officially launch my serious gambling addiction.
'This is one small bet for man, one giant leap for mankind,' I whispered.
Yeah, you're right again. Overdramatic. It didn't take long for that first $20 to spin off into the casino ether, as nearby other people shrieked with delight as they parlayed a little cash into a lot. I checked out of that first machine and moseyed on to another one, that sorta', you know, 'spoke to me.' Turns out it was sayin,' 'Geez, you're a loser.' Pretty perceptive, ya' gotta' give it that.
After wandering around a bit, I settled at a game called 'Eat 'em Up' that featured cartoon zombies and chain saws and gravestones and other such fun stuff. It was colorful and noisy and sucked me in like a gumball machine does to a kid, so I fed it a little cash and began to play. After about four fruitless spins, that video screen thing went bonkers and started shrieking with the sound of roaring chain saws and screeching zombies, and the figures on the screen went whirling around faster than the numbers on a gas pump (thanks a lot, Vlad). At first I figured I broke the dang thing and a security guard would rush over and arrest me, but then it dawned on me, that, like holy cow, I had won something. I looked for the spigot where the money would come gushing out, but it turns out all you get is a paper ticket to cash in later. Aw, come on, that's no fun.
As it turns out, the 'Eat em Up' game is also overdramatic, and I had won only $22.60. I mean, it wasn't bad, it didn't cover my early losses, but it gave me just enough of that 'Hey, maybe there's a jackpot comin'' attitude that I now leaned in and lost all sense of spatial awareness and focused consciousness for the next hour. Of course, 12 drinks will do that to a guy, too, but I'm blamin' it on the gambling.
I had some mild success at the zombie game. I'd be up a bit for a while and then lose again, and I walked away with a credit ticket for a little more than I had started with. I then took that slip and stuck it in a game called 'Cash Falls,' and proceeded to spend the next hour of my limited lifespan sitting there and watching electronic coins and dollar bill signs and bonus icons flash by like so many hopes and dreams. I about broke even and figured that was pretty cheap entertainment, if nothing else. Of course, that comes from a guy who enjoys sitting out in a summer breeze and watching laundry dry on the clothesline.
We returned to the casino on Saturday night for Round 2, and rather than venture out and try new games, I returned to the same ones I had played the day prior. Familiarity breeds confidence, I figured, (which, incidentally, also explains why I've worn the same underwear since 2013) and at one point I trotted over to where my friend was playing and proudly showed her my credit ticket for $198.25. Yeah, you're right, I should have quit then, but I got greedy and stuck it back in, and probably would have lost the whole works had the casino not abruptly shut down at midnight due to icy weather. Oh, come on. I was just about to hit it big, too.
No beginner's luck would come my way on this inaugural gambling foray, and I returned home on Sunday a slightly poorer man than I had been on Friday. As much as it scares me to say this, I did enjoy it, the gambling, the casino atmosphere, and 10 of the 12 drinks (I spilled two), and although I know I should end the madness now, I think I'll be returning sometime soon.
As one of my heroes once said, 'Me like it.'
