An open letter to Joshua Hader

Josh, we swear, we didn’t mean it.

We can still talk this out right? I mean, yeah, we swapped you for a couple of relievers and some prospects, but we already dropped one of them! They seriously don’t mean anything to us. We’ll drop Rogers too if you really want!

Surely it’s not too late? There’s gotta be some wiggle room here. I mean, come on, look at how sad Devin Williams was to see you go! He even purposefully gave up his first home run of the season as your ninth inning replacement in protest of your forced departure. If that isn’t true friendship, I don’t know what is.

Look, we both know that you didn’t want to leave. And yes, it was completely our fault for sending you away, but clearly we weren’t thinking straight. The trade deadline is a stressful time for us and maybe we said some things that we shouldn’t have. But we didn’t mean any of it.

We were being completely facetious when we said we should try to find buyers for a used closer after you blew that save in San Francisco. It was just a joke! Sure, your ERA had ballooned to over 4.50, but we knew that you were just working through some things. And yeah, we should have supported you through your tough times instead of making jokes, but we realize that now. We made a mistake and we swear we won’t mention trading you again. Well, not until after you blow another Wild Card game save. Pinky swear, cross my heart and hope to die.

We know how this looks. Bush and Rogers haven’t exactly been the shutdown combination that we were hoping for and we’ve been leading or tied in five of the last six games we’ve lost, but it’s not just regret because we are failing now. Even if we were on a ten game win streak and your replacements had magically turned into Mariano Rivera and Trevor Hoffman, we still would be writing this.

Josh, surely you remember all the good times we had? Like that time you became the first pitcher to strike out all eight of the batters you faced in a save against the Reds? Or when you were one of the most dominant set-up men in history during our 2018 playoff run? And who could forget your three NL Reliever of the Year awards that you won here? Not to mention, those sketches of Mean Girls, Dumb and Dumber, and The Sandlot that you were a part of were quite hilarious. I mean, come on, all those were pretty special, right? Maybe we could even finally make “fetch” a thing for you!

And, let’s be honest, San Diego?

Ew.

What do they have to offer? Beaches? Gross. Sand gets everywhere and you get burnt to a crisp.

The San Diego Zoo? We have plenty of deer here that you can look at if you want!

Warm weather year round? Pfft, how are you supposed to get your money’s worth out of that snow plow you bought?

Plus, you’ve got to go up against the Dodgers and Giants every year. You know, the perennial World Series teams? In the NL Central, you can have a lot more fun beating up on the likes of the Pirates, Reds and Cubs. Remember how much fun that is?

We’ve also got all the beer and sausage races any sane person could want, and really, isn’t that what truly matters?

Wait, wait, don’t go! Ummmm…look, we could definitely pay you the 16 million you’re due this summer for arbitration. We’ll talk to Mark; I’m sure he’s got that extra two million lying around under a couch cushion or something. Maybe Yeli would like to donate to the cause? We’ll figure it out though.

Or...we could make your shoulder length flow the state haircut?

Oh, oh! What about if we bought out Gatorade and officially renamed it Haderade?

Okay okay, not good enough, we get it. Obviously, we’ve done some pretty rotten things. But before you go, let us just leave you with two words. If that doesn’t change your mind, then we’ll just let you go. No more fighting, no more late night texts asking if you’re actually happy with how this has all turned out. Okay?

Okay. Ehem. Trent. Grisham. We rest our case. We’ve got Rogers set up in the visitors’ clubhouse right now, so your locker is still free whenever you want to come back.

Hope to see you soon. Sincerely, -The Milwaukee Brewers fanbase

A C ERTAIN POINT OF V IEW

NATHANIEL U NDERWOOD R EPORTER