THE BORN LESAR
How 'smart' do we need our appliances to be?
It's such a smart world in which we live, wouldn't you agree? We have car seats that heat up when they sense the air is too cold for our heinies, contraptions that sit on our furniture and answer questions or play music when we ask them too, and for all I know, wives who will not say, 'Where the *%() have you been?' when I come home at 4 a.m. from poker night smelling like a cigar-flavored pizza. I'm not sure about the wife thing. I haven't owned one of those for a while. The new models might be different.
Now come smart bathtubs, believe it or not. A product review I just read says they now have models that can create the feeling of a high-end spa right in your own home. These modern tubs mix fog, lighting and aromas to 'relax the mind, soothe the body and renew the spirit,' although all I really need a bathtub to do is 'melt the filth.' I suppose I could go for a tub that could boil some sausage while I'm soaking, but then I'd never have a reason to wash the spaghetti sauce out of my one pan.
Kohler has a bathtub called the 'Infinity Experience' that fills from the bottom (like I do when I drink beer) and has the warm liquid spill over the sides onto a wooden moat to create 'relaxing sounds.' I don't know about you, but the sound of dripping water tells me there's a leaky pipe somewhere, and besides, with a price tag of almost $16,000, that sucker better be as watertight as a submarine hatch. For that price, the only thing about 'infinity' that Kohler can expect is how long it takes me to pay for it.
Smart appliances are something else that's invading our homes these days. Samsung has a refrigerator model, for example, that would allow my smartphone to look inside to see what's in there. That wouldn't be that helpful to me as usually the only thing on my fridge shelves is a stick of dried-out summer sausage, a Tupperware container with moldy Hamburger Helper (cheeseburger macaroni most likely, although it might take DNA testing to know for sure) a bottle of ranch dressing that my son bought in 2016, and a gallon-sized jug of Hershey's syrup. What? It was on sale.
A smart refrigerator is also capable of telling you when you're almost out of necessities like milk, eggs and chocolate-vanilla-peanut butter pudding cups, and you can even connect with it while you're at the grocery store to see what you need. Can't you just imagine it, you're at the Pick-n-Spend, and you text your fridge, 'Hey, how we doin' on cheese?' Now, if the fridge is smart enough to figure out that the cheese is the mosscovered glob back there in the corner behind the limes (that must be what they are, they're green), it might do me some good, but just having an ice box that can display recipes but costs like $4,000 is a waste. I'll stick with my stupid fridge for now.
Of course then, there are smart clothes washers and dryers, because, well, why not? Some of the models are equipped with voice command technology, so you can stand in your basement like a dork and say, 'Wash my dirty socks.' Another model is able to store up to 30 customizable cycles, so you can launder your undies in searing hot water (I dunno, just sounds like the right thing to do) yet use a gentle cycle with warm water for your cat.
Also, smart washers and dryers can be activated via your smart phone from a remote location, 'cuz it's always cool to be, say, at church, and whip out your iPhone to say, 'Whirlpool, start the colors.' Everyone will be so impressed.
One feature I might like in a smart washer is its ability to 'read' your load to determine how much detergent is needed for maximum cleanliness. Generally, I just go with half a jug of Tide no matter how bad my shirts stink, but now I'd be able to hook up like a 55-gallon barrel of soap and let my washer figure out how many quarts are in order. After all, daddy likes to smell fresh.
Smart televisions have been around for a while now, and have redefined home entertainment. There once was a time when all a TV could do is barely draw in one of the three major networks through a pair of bent rabbit ears, but now your TV set can stream movies from the internet, select channels or shows via voice command, control other smart devices such as security systems and lights, and if you've got one of the really highend models, make Vanna White look like she's younger than 80.
Televisions are no longer just for watching Archie Bunker on Saturday nights, but for enjoying music videos, playing high-tech games against other players around the world, engaging in social media, casting YouTube videos of people getting hit in the crotch with baseballs and spending your retirement savings buying all the subscription services it takes for all that garbage. Me, I'd just like a TV set that would be smart enough to say during the fifth hour of the 'Dateline: Secrets Uncovered' marathon, 'Hey, dude, put the bag of Doritos down. You're not gonna have any room for ice cream.' The 'smart' revolution has also made its way to small appliances, like toasters, which now have touchscreen interfaces and can not only custom-warm your bread, bagel, Pop-Tart or Spam slice (What? They fit), but can reheat it again for 15 seconds if you get called away for some reason.
There are smart microwaves you can control with your voice, smart coffee makers you can call on your phone from your bed (and I thought I was lazy) and get this -- a contraption you attach to your garbage can that will scan items as you toss' em and then add them to an electronic shopping list. I just wonder what it would add to the list when my cat crawls in there lookin' for chicken leg bones.
Last -- and so far from least I cannot even begin to describe it -- are smart toilets. They come with features such as auto-flush sensors that take care of the emptying process as you move away. Some smart toilets have seat-warmers, while others will actually examine the 'product' you submit and examine it for potential signs of disease. Yikes.
Smart toilets also can detect your presence and open and close the lid as appropriate. Now, for my money, if you're talking about a toilet that's truly intelligent, it will know enough to keep the lid down as I approach.
Just sayin.'
